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Sol Invictus

I really do not know ...

I really do not know why I do not let go of these thoughts. Why now? There were weeks and months, because I felt much worse than now.
I'm came here because I thought that it is the right thing.
Because that's what I really wanted was for so long.
Even if it is not the goal, it is but a start.

can tell me why the past is not alone?
Why is it suddenly again all present so in my head?
Why can I not simply dissipate, as it has always worked before?

suddenly ... suddenly everything is so close again. I can feel normal. What was then. I remember very well ...
the thing I'm already gone through a thousand times.
I'm still worked up as best they could. Why are followed me up here?

the other night was the culmination.
a kiss. Good night. And suddenly it came over me. Suddenly tears were shed and I could not hide it. I cried like never before as an adult.
I felt so bad ... as if it was all my fault.
As if I would have destroyed all that and God alone knows what I will destroy even more.

I've so long to acknowledge. Because I know that it is not right, something to think now. But I miss
Yoshie.
not the person I was then abandoned.
not the person whose words and deeds in the end also showed me that it must continue. Not the person who pointed me back then.

But the person from before.
The once saved me from the darkest phase of my life.
with which I have spent the best days of my life. The
has enabled me to all those wonderful moments that still, after so many years are as present as the first day.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have done so much that we were at some point no longer the same person as in the beginning.

Perhaps everything would have been different if I had not at that time the focus is lost. If I had been a bit more time and I would not approve of stimuli can distract. If I had not wasted so much energy on other issues that I would have for us to use.

I were at that time been a bit more attentive, I could have seen many things.
I were at that time been a bit careful ...... I would have prevented all this ...

But I did not.

And it came, as it came.

And it is what it is.

I can understand the time, not turn back with all its variables.
I can not go back. It is too late.

And then there is Tomoko.
I have such a guilty conscience. In
Tomoko it was different than when Yoshie. Tomoko
I made to fall in love with me.
It was wonderful. Never before have I had so much confidence.
But my actions also threw a big shadow over the country.

Tomoko So often was forced to choose. Between their Friends and me, between her parents and me ..... between giving up and me.
And always they had voted for me. But I'm really worth? All these efforts and this risk?

Today, it is unfortunately not as easy as ever. At that time ...... there was no pressure ... no needs and no constraints ... only from hand to mouth existence, and thereby enjoy. Sleep late, eat delicious, 3x daily sex ...
That was untrue. Today, life is more complicated. Today we can no longer live from hand to mouth. Today there is pressure. There are constraints. Life is not so easy.

But is it fair for? Is it fair that I just now this once was true but now catching up completely unreal world?
Is it fair to compare that I do? For it is not possible.

I'm happy! But I have everything I need! And this time it is not as once!
This time it's not a cheap charm. I long not for physical closeness. It is really the first time in my life that I have no idea at all what I want. I do not know what my heart desires, and therefore I do not know what to do ...

Should I tell Tomoko, what troubles me? As long as I myself do not know what's going on seems to me to be not a very good idea.
it is difficult enough without my problems.

Should I ignore it? Should be simple, just as before, the whole day in a dark closet gamble until I get tired, take a deep sigh before bedtime and start the next day right where the previous ended? Just wait and hope the problem will somehow solve by themselves?

It is about the fact that I did everything for myself, but not the person to whom it may concern really just worked up? Had anything changed? Had the past undone? Had all the wonderful memories will get a bitter taste? Had she not been beautiful?

Had the word "love" lost all meaning for me?
Should I just write it?

After all this time? Can I just pretend as if between us never been particularly would be?
I do not know ... I have been thinking lately a few times on it, but I do not in turn do what I want to achieve with it, and certainly not how I would react?

would

What if?
If she did not answer?
If she said that she is happy now?
If they relativized?
If they repented?
If they were thinking like me?

This is exactly the problem ...
fact that I force these thoughts all the time ... it is the desire to return from that place before. It is the suggestion that it was better back then.
It would once again the simpler alternative.

But if they just as I thought ... if she regretted it ... even if they wanted to return to this place ... that would be the worst thing that could happen.
Because it's never returned. What is done is done.
And then I really could not life be more sincere. Then I could not see Tomoko in her eyes.

I made up a still, a reasonable person to be
... And so I just have to say, even if one half of my heart hurts it incredible that I do not want to.

I will not go back.

At least this one time in life I must be strong. And if it is not for me, then at least for everyone else.

Maybe I'll write to her at some point.
If I feel strongly enough, you can personally connect to under the eyes.
Maybe I'll be strong enough for a few written Words ...

If I would remember everything but just not all of them ...
And if it would just not everything was only yesterday ...

"her eyes looked at me questioningly

And then she spoke: are not you someone I used to know?

And were not we lovers a long time ago?

Looked at her close Forced her into view

Yes, I said, you're a girl

That I once may have knew

But I do not love you anymore

Why do You want to talk to me for?

You should just have let me walk by

Memories make us cry ... "

Side Effects Of Yeduc

mare imbrium

How did it actually do?

given that everything so was, as it is.
Was this what you wanted? Is it the logical consequence from your thoughts and actions?
Is this what you wanted? Have you on your way really thought of everything?
you regret it?
Are you glad that there are so came?
Can you answer that?
Are you really who you pretend to be? Did you ever trade
from coercion?

Are you ready to take on the responsibility for all this?
Are you ready to accept that everything turned out the way it is?

a choice but to accept it, I've not ...
But how did it happen that I discovered this blog again after all this time have?
was basically it the power of music.

As chance would have it, I just receptive to the music was and that my eye happened to fall on
this picture with its heart-shaped, bleeding hand grenade into a fist. The little in-depth name "American Idiot" by Green Day. An album about its quality can not really argue, but to me it means more than what was there lasered into the silver screen.
And when I closed my eyes and just listened, so it was all at once as before. With a shock I was 5 years
catapulted back ... with a feeling of nostalgia .... not really ... either bescheibt one does not know this feeling, or ...

5 years?
Well, so far we have not at first so back.
The last entry is indeed back for only about 3 years and I really had not before, add
this blog even further. Weis vultures, why I'm on it at some point encountered by chance back here and I've even taken the trouble to read each item again. Really weird. You think so in so many passages in life, that now at last is clever, or that someone who has eaten the wisdom with spoons. But when I then, with the necessary Distance, several entries would lead again to a good life ...... my god .... is not only suffer, it is not a state but a process.
Unfortunately recognize the difficult and internalize when you are in a deep hole
.... then there is only itself, the hole and looking up to heaven ....

So I sit here now, so.
Here, this is Soka, Japan. Finished college, in search of work and, together with Tomoko, the
person at my side drives me and my life is at least some structure. By Yoshie then it was not to be. But, alas, is already ages ago and really at all relevant anymore. For more than 2 years I have not seen and no contact with her.
And then my life is not stopped. I really feel like it
garkeine again to reflect on the time after our separation. I think everyone has experienced this situation before and knows how deep can be the valley of tears. Moreover, it has subsequently everything anyway always a nostalgic, slightly positive in character, like a long leave of life, as it afterwards so advanced that the matter will end well.
And so the months passed, stop, and I met Tomoko and was suddenly reborn.
But that's already half an eternity. Whether you really mates, pointing to yes
not be known until one is no longer in love. And Tomoko I can definitely old. Unfortunately, the whole situation is not as casual as ever. There were a few times real problems between us, which would have almost the death knell. Bensonders the fact that their parents did not accept me because I am a foreigner is a strain, second to none.
But is the fact that we still, despite all this together and want to be with me then but optimistic.

So we spent wonderful months in Marburg, then I came to Japan for a short time, returned to Marburg, made finally my university degree and am now back here. Although in
although I'm not the target of my dreams, at least I still have not found a job, even if I am cautiously optimistic, but basically I could life, as it is right now, enjoy ...

But something must be there, right? Otherwise you would not
rumkramen here in the past ...
Yes, unfortunately, can be found as easily be no peace. Although one can always be fully running again and convince themselves of things, but in the long run you can just Who do they think ...

Which brings us back to American Idiot would be and the associated travel time.
Especially the song "Jesus of Suburbia" makes me the past again experience that I have driven
almost tears in his eyes. Suddenly I'm back on the bike and ride the miles towards an uncertain destination.

My God, then I felt really bad. Although I had really happened the turning point for the better already. My goodness, then, I've really given day, all night and I am drowned with tears in futility. And then came
Yoshie. Out of nowhere. In retrospect, everything seems a logical consequence of my wishes and my act was to be, because of that everyone gets what he deserves, but then it really blew me away.
And then came this time I can not believe anymore.
The time has changed me forever, which was insignificant and yet so perfect and no matter what happened afterwards, or will come, the best time of my life.

This carefree life. This trust together without any worries or obligations. Just living day by day sat in front of him .... the difficulties of life with a smile and taken to gewägt arrived in paradise.
Perhaps the biggest mistake of the size but also the matter has helped was the fact that you could quickly get used to this new way of life. Suddenly everything was forgotten and I asks me how it could ever have been different ...

But it was still nothing but an illusion!
There was nothing different from all the school and school holidays in front! It was an illusion! A running away from reality .... a hide what really is ... simple selective perception.

And then? Then, the relationship broke up as quickly as it started ...
Or was it a slow process?
Well, that's something that I have had months to sleep and are not discussed here must continue.

I then stop at some point end with this chapter of my life. And therein lies the rub ...
This is the final item but probably not as easy as I thought so.
The problem is simply that here have crossed two inseparable strands in my life. The change in my life from depression and a black abyss down to myself and just this one person. Just because this person is suddenly no longer exists virtually, the overall result, which I see every morning in the mirror but still the same ...

Tomoko I love very much. And I would / will do anything for them. This is something that really is not at all for discussion and such as human dignity is inviolable.
But I can negate everything that was not easy.
When I got to know this thing is with Tomoko Yoshie just took a back seat and stayed there. I had always thought of other problems and really, that I have really put a line under it and that the matter is closed.
But this thing with American Idiot has shown that the whole thing well but sits a little looser than I assumed.
Perhaps it is simply in the circumstances. At the moment it is holding more suboptimal in life and I do believe that I am the Japan-Flash (one that everything annoy) has spread in terms of time .... I'm almost there with my first year of Japan in line.

The question is simply how to handle it.
I really have no idea.
Is it really just the longing for the ease of being, as they suggested the best days of my life, because at the moment simply does not work out as I would like to do?
Is this just a phase that will be put back if it is better again? Or am I
not honest with myself?
Is this the punishment that I chose at several points in the life of the lighter alternative?
Or is it simply re just that the Things of the past always remain positive in the memory than they really were? Or am I really
become older and just grieve after the avoidable youth?

I feel no void or anything else. No depression. However, it gnaws
easily from the inside. When the night is dark and I can not sleep ...

All that is now .... it is the result of what was.
What I did what I was given.
Without the time and then I would be without Yoshie, Tomoko also never come this far. And then I
bereuhe but that it ended the way it ended nunmal.
It could have turned out differently. I say this without regret.

And then I'm happy that I can not turn back the time.
Because I do not know what I did then.

Maybe it would have been better but the light auszuknipsen five years ago ...
... For here is no right or wrong ...

My wish is simply that none of the parties eventually close your eyes and something bereuht .... that would mean for me the ultimate hell ...

Sorry, but that simply had to get out ...

"And in the darkest night If my memory serves
me right I'll
never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time."