mare imbrium
How did it actually do?
given that everything so was, as it is.
Was this what you wanted? Is it the logical consequence from your thoughts and actions?
Is this what you wanted? Have you on your way really thought of everything?
you regret it?
Are you glad that there are so came?
Can you answer that?
Are you really who you pretend to be? Did you ever trade
from coercion?
Are you ready to take on the responsibility for all this?
Are you ready to accept that everything turned out the way it is?
a choice but to accept it, I've not ...
But how did it happen that I discovered this blog again after all this time have?
was basically it the power of music.
As chance would have it, I just receptive to the music was and that my eye happened to fall on
this picture with its heart-shaped, bleeding hand grenade into a fist. The little in-depth name "American Idiot" by Green Day. An album about its quality can not really argue, but to me it means more than what was there lasered into the silver screen.
And when I closed my eyes and just listened, so it was all at once as before. With a shock I was 5 years
catapulted back ... with a feeling of nostalgia .... not really ... either bescheibt one does not know this feeling, or ...
5 years?
Well, so far we have not at first so back.
The last entry is indeed back for only about 3 years and I really had not before, add
this blog even further. Weis vultures, why I'm on it at some point encountered by chance back here and I've even taken the trouble to read each item again. Really weird. You think so in so many passages in life, that now at last is clever, or that someone who has eaten the wisdom with spoons. But when I then, with the necessary Distance, several entries would lead again to a good life ...... my god .... is not only suffer, it is not a state but a process.
Unfortunately recognize the difficult and internalize when you are in a deep hole
.... then there is only itself, the hole and looking up to heaven ....
So I sit here now, so.
Here, this is Soka, Japan. Finished college, in search of work and, together with Tomoko, the
person at my side drives me and my life is at least some structure. By Yoshie then it was not to be. But, alas, is already ages ago and really at all relevant anymore. For more than 2 years I have not seen and no contact with her.
And then my life is not stopped. I really feel like it
garkeine again to reflect on the time after our separation. I think everyone has experienced this situation before and knows how deep can be the valley of tears. Moreover, it has subsequently everything anyway always a nostalgic, slightly positive in character, like a long leave of life, as it afterwards so advanced that the matter will end well.
And so the months passed, stop, and I met Tomoko and was suddenly reborn.
But that's already half an eternity. Whether you really mates, pointing to yes
not be known until one is no longer in love. And Tomoko I can definitely old. Unfortunately, the whole situation is not as casual as ever. There were a few times real problems between us, which would have almost the death knell. Bensonders the fact that their parents did not accept me because I am a foreigner is a strain, second to none.
But is the fact that we still, despite all this together and want to be with me then but optimistic.
So we spent wonderful months in Marburg, then I came to Japan for a short time, returned to Marburg, made finally my university degree and am now back here. Although in
although I'm not the target of my dreams, at least I still have not found a job, even if I am cautiously optimistic, but basically I could life, as it is right now, enjoy ...
But something must be there, right? Otherwise you would not
rumkramen here in the past ...
Yes, unfortunately, can be found as easily be no peace. Although one can always be fully running again and convince themselves of things, but in the long run you can just Who do they think ...
Which brings us back to American Idiot would be and the associated travel time.
Especially the song "Jesus of Suburbia" makes me the past again experience that I have driven
almost tears in his eyes. Suddenly I'm back on the bike and ride the miles towards an uncertain destination.
My God, then I felt really bad. Although I had really happened the turning point for the better already. My goodness, then, I've really given day, all night and I am drowned with tears in futility. And then came
Yoshie. Out of nowhere. In retrospect, everything seems a logical consequence of my wishes and my act was to be, because of that everyone gets what he deserves, but then it really blew me away.
And then came this time I can not believe anymore.
The time has changed me forever, which was insignificant and yet so perfect and no matter what happened afterwards, or will come, the best time of my life.
This carefree life. This trust together without any worries or obligations. Just living day by day sat in front of him .... the difficulties of life with a smile and taken to gewägt arrived in paradise.
Perhaps the biggest mistake of the size but also the matter has helped was the fact that you could quickly get used to this new way of life. Suddenly everything was forgotten and I asks me how it could ever have been different ...
But it was still nothing but an illusion!
There was nothing different from all the school and school holidays in front! It was an illusion! A running away from reality .... a hide what really is ... simple selective perception.
And then? Then, the relationship broke up as quickly as it started ...
Or was it a slow process?
Well, that's something that I have had months to sleep and are not discussed here must continue.
I then stop at some point end with this chapter of my life. And therein lies the rub ...
This is the final item but probably not as easy as I thought so.
The problem is simply that here have crossed two inseparable strands in my life. The change in my life from depression and a black abyss down to myself and just this one person. Just because this person is suddenly no longer exists virtually, the overall result, which I see every morning in the mirror but still the same ...
Tomoko I love very much. And I would / will do anything for them. This is something that really is not at all for discussion and such as human dignity is inviolable.
But I can negate everything that was not easy.
When I got to know this thing is with Tomoko Yoshie just took a back seat and stayed there. I had always thought of other problems and really, that I have really put a line under it and that the matter is closed.
But this thing with American Idiot has shown that the whole thing well but sits a little looser than I assumed.
Perhaps it is simply in the circumstances. At the moment it is holding more suboptimal in life and I do believe that I am the Japan-Flash (one that everything annoy) has spread in terms of time .... I'm almost there with my first year of Japan in line.
The question is simply how to handle it.
I really have no idea.
Is it really just the longing for the ease of being, as they suggested the best days of my life, because at the moment simply does not work out as I would like to do?
Is this just a phase that will be put back if it is better again? Or am I
not honest with myself?
Is this the punishment that I chose at several points in the life of the lighter alternative?
Or is it simply re just that the Things of the past always remain positive in the memory than they really were? Or am I really
become older and just grieve after the avoidable youth?
I feel no void or anything else. No depression. However, it gnaws
easily from the inside. When the night is dark and I can not sleep ...
All that is now .... it is the result of what was.
What I did what I was given.
Without the time and then I would be without Yoshie, Tomoko also never come this far. And then I
bereuhe but that it ended the way it ended nunmal.
It could have turned out differently. I say this without regret.
And then I'm happy that I can not turn back the time.
Because I do not know what I did then.
Maybe it would have been better but the light auszuknipsen five years ago ...
... For here is no right or wrong ...
My wish is simply that none of the parties eventually close your eyes and something bereuht .... that would mean for me the ultimate hell ...
Sorry, but that simply had to get out ...
"And in the darkest night If my memory serves
me right I'll
never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time."
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